First of all, I’m sorry to hear of the death of your mother. We only get one, and for better or worse it’s a life changing experience. Everything I know about mothers and children tell me that the mother-daughter relationship is often especially charged with feelings of various sorts. But then, both people are women, and women have about twice the feelings men do (little known true fact).

So, all that’s to say that I would expect that this would be a Big Deal for you, as indeed you report that it is. It’s another Leaving, akin in some ways, to leaving a therapist. Such things tend to trigger in us very basic questions. How else can it be?

It’s an obvious thing to say, but worth saying anyway: the goal of psychotherapy is to change our inner world, not our outer world. Of course, there IS a relationship, yes? Fundamentally, the primary issue is emotional stability, I think – being able to stay on our feet, or get back up, when life throws us a curve ball. True emotional stability is often a life-long project. Our goal should be simply to keep working on it.

So, with something like the loss of your mother – I think you need to talk with someone who can simply listen. Your therapist has another job, although listening is part of it. Have you thought of seeking out some woman you know who is approximately your peer, and asking them about the loss of their own mother? If it hasn’t happened yet to them, surely they are thinking about it. The point is to find a social context in which you can safely and simply talk about what you’re experiencing. We MUST do this, because we are social beings.

Don’t worry about being dependent. You don’t really want that, I’m sure, and it’s probably not really a risk. You DO, however, have some real needs. I need to eat. Does that mean I’m dependent upon food? Well, of course, but that’s not really an appropriate use of the word. Neither is its use in relation to your need to share with another human being the experience you’re having.

Feeling loss, and expressing it, is part of being human. You get to do it. You get to expect that you can find someone who will be interesting in taking the time to talk with you about this. It’s fully legitimate.

A technical tip: make your “talking” reciprocal. Such experiences work best when you and the other person are exchanging meaning. Pay for what you get by giving back. THAT will work just fine.

You’ll have a need to talk about this a number of times, if you experience is like that of other women I’ve known. So, learning how to do it well is important. I hope you’ll give it appropriate attention.

Some people have trouble relating to their therapist as just another human being, albeit one who has unusual training, education (not the same thing), skills, and experience, and who. as a result of this, is offering a professional service.

Some clients seem to want their therapists to be demi-gods, or Experts, or avatars of some sort. We’re not. We’re just people. We have feelings. We make mistakes. And…we can be really, really useful to our clients. I think it fair to say that overwhelmingly we wish to be, and try hard to be.

So, is it more useful to mislead you about our nature, or to reveal it? I think that in revealing his feelings, he was likely trying to do two things: a) validate and “normalize” your own distress, and b) let you know that you were valued by him, in that your termination was distressful to him as well.

I would ask you to dwell a bit on the latter information: his involvement with you, focused appropriately ON you, was at the same time of value to him. THAT’s about YOU. Were I in your place, I’d appreciate knowing that.

I know that I value highly all my clients (with the exception a very very small number who simply make trouble in all directions), because they, as human beings, have inherent value, in my eyes. Having contact with that enriches me. I have a very distinct sense of this, and I do share it at times with my clients – when I am moved to do so and it seems appropriate to the context of our work together.

I think it would be quite unusual for someone not to value BEING valued, and I suspect that in sharing his feelings, your therapist wanted you to know something important about YOU.

I hope you can see his remarks in that light. I do think it is appropriate for therapists to see value in their clients, and express that sense of their value at times. Most of our clients have not had enough of this in their lives, and ALL of us need this appreciation from others from time to time.

Sorry to be late in discovering and responding to your comment. The period of midwinter through late spring is a very busy time for many therapists, including me. It’s our busiest time of year, in many cases. So, I’ve been absent for a few months, of necessity.

This actually relates to your comment. You see, one of the problems we therapists have is that there isn’t enough of us to spread around as much as we might like. Being conservative in the use of one’s time with clients is a necessary self-preservation measure, I’m afraid.

Much of what you say in your comment suggests to me that you may have issues with abandonment. This can be very painful. I urge you to take this up with your present therapist. It’s important to work on this so that it doesn’t affect you so much in the future. This work, done right, can be rather successful. I wish you the best of luck, if you decide to go in this direction. Have courage, and keep on going!